Thursday, June 8
my random thoughts at work 2:28 pm

Just another day at work….

The past few days, I found it exceptionally torturing to be at work. Restlessness. Headaches. Psychological, I guess.

I have nothing to look forward to motivate me to work. Not even the Taiwan trip. I have been thinking of quitting. If only the Taiwan trip wasn’t so expensive..

Last week, I had the bintan trip to push me to work. When I have nothing to do, I would think of what to do at bintan or imagine how bintan would be like. 3 days past so quickly and now im back at work.

Met Des for lunch yesterday. He brought me to depot road for lunch and i tot that other than the change of lunch environment, the food ain’t that great. He is gonna introduce his driving instructor to me, so hopefully I can start my lessons on Monday. I want my license!

Met my smu gang for dinner – suzi, meiyan, chuikhim, bobo, grace and enning. We were talking abt the nus girl who died in a car crash in Canada. It seems to me to she is somehow or rather, some friend's friend's.. or friend's friend's friend's. the closest relationship I know of is that she is fangwei's distant cousin. Everyone seems to be so affected by the accident.

Yup, life is unpredictable. Anytime, any day, God will call me home. The funny thing is, I’m actually looking forward to it. I used to be afraid of dying. When I was young, I used to lie on my bed and cry non-stop, imagining what would happen if my mum, dad or bro died. Then, I imagine myself dying, or supposed to be dead. I imagined that, what if everyone thought I was dead, but actually im not. I would be alone in the coffin, stuffing my hand into my mouth to prevent myself to crying out my loneliness and misery. What if I was really dead; who will care? Who will cry? Who will miss me? I thought and thought about it countless times and then I would give up and sleep. Cos I think my life is totally screwed up. I kept telling God ''I will live my life for you," but I end up making a mess out of it. So many regrets, so much anger with myself. so much so, I feel I’m better off dead.

Then one day, I thought back to my Mt Ophir days and remembered the time when I was lost alone at the mountain top. Before I was lost, I felt like a bane to the team. I was injured cos I sprained my leg on the 2nd day and was slowing the team down. Felt that I shouldn’t be there trekking. Then when siowlon and AB found me and we joined back the team, Annabelle and rach hugged me and cried. "don’t ever leave us, ok jayne?"

The thought of being cherish really made me feel important, in people’s lives.

Mason asked chieh and I at bintan whether we cherished our lives. Seriously, I don’t really know how to cherish mine. Nearly committed suicide when I was in sec 2 during the pinnacle of depression. But I know, there are people who do cherish my existence. They are the reason why I never left the railing, many times…

Oh well.. back to the happy note.

Met tholmas, mabs and jon afterwards for drinks @timber. My first time there and the place is not bad. The band, yellowbox was good. One of their drummers, brendon I think, HE IS A SMOOTH DRUMMER!! Gosh! He plays so well and effortlessly. Kinda like the few drummers whom I have seen enjoying when performing..

Nice night out. I promise the pictures will be up.. soon I hope.

about her
    jayne, 21
    smu econs
    needs a reboot in her life.
    needs to eat and exercise more.
    waiting on Him

your shout outs

her juke box
    just click the play button to listen

    Backstreet boys - how did i fall in love with you

    tribal jam - remind me

    justin timberlake - my love

    delta goodrem - be strong

    bethany joy lenz - let me fall

    sean paul - give it up (step up OST)

    neyo - so sick

    jojo - little too late

    corrine bailey rae - like a star

her friends