Wednesday, January 31
down down.. 9:37 pm

things took a different turn, for the worst, in the morning. gave me reasons why i should carry on feeling how i am feeling now.

i hate that person. i really do.

then i met bj on the way to school and we had dinner thogether. he explained why i should not hate. yes, i should not. it is a commandment not to do so.

so while i walked home, i reasoned. tried to convince myself.

but when i reached home, circumstances set in; things wasn't like what i though it was. it was worse.

so what am i gonna do?

Tuesday, January 30
bad week start 6:17 pm

i learnt something from finance 101 last sem. it is the use of oscillators in technical analysis in determining whether the current trend is going for a reversal. for once, academic education has a direct application to my life.

so, if i had a great week, someone please remind me that im gonna face a terrible one next week.

a bloody roller coaster ride this month for me and something happened last night and i'm about to break. i really wonder how my mum can take it and remain so strong.

Please God, don't let it be what i think it is.

Sunday, January 28
deception 1:03 am

there's this familiar tingling Feeling in my heart;
i simply can't remember its very first start.
Not 'cos i don't believe it's happenin' to me
but it's all too soon for my heart to ever be.

It creates images of you in my mind,
ruthlessly drifts my focus all day and night;
Unknowingly followed Its deceptive lead
I would go to places in hope we would meet.....

I must not be mistaken; i'm not in love with you...
You just get more of my attention than others do.
'Cos it' just a crush; ..nothing will come out of it
and these kind of hopes i do not want them lit

Oh my Feelings, go away- please leave me alone!
i want my battered heart no more to be torn.
the previous battle was too much to bear.
trap me not, once more, in this deceptive lair.

Saturday, January 27
untitled 1:54 am

kinda tired.

felt some of the blood vessels in my brain snapped. been quieting bearing the pain of a mild stomach flu for a week now and am now physically tired. supposed to wake up for a meeting this morning and meet jas for lunch, but i felt i just woke up from a concussion. and i felt lousy the whole day.

but many ( and zillion) thanks to ting and iona for being there for dinner and coffee. its been great and always great to meet them and just be completely honest about my feelings. basically, being jayne and speak my mind. felt better now. and thanks iona and ting for the hugs.

i got quite an intimidating 2 weeks ahead of me.
  1. patron's day rehearsal on sat and sun
  2. Patron's day on monday
  3. IE project draft due on monday
  4. MA project draft due on tuesday
  5. IE homework due on wednesday
  6. law and econs homework due on wednesday noon
  7. Intro psych mid terms on saturday
  8. MA midterms next tues
  9. TWC presentation immediately after MA mids

please, help me survive this. im not asking much.

and after rushing my resume and cover letter, i didnt apply for the internship in the end.

Thursday, January 25
great week 5:52 pm

this week, or should i say, academic week (tuesday to thursday) has been a great one for me.

  1. i scored participation marks for ALL my lessons. finally
  2. i learnt at least something from ALL my lessons. finally.
  3. i got down to do my resume. and cover letter. with that, my credits go to Melwyn, Yuhui, meiyan, chuikhim and the people who wrote sample resume/cover letters.
  4. i am actually interested in the internship im applying for. bharti enterprises. it will be in india. i wanna do an overseas internship! :)
  5. i realised that smu still owes me money. about 50 bucks. whoohoo
  6. joe tee was very nice to come down smu on wednesday night to study with me! :)

Sunday, January 21
travelling 12:46 am

woke up at 12 pm today cos i rushed to finish the last episode of desperate housewives season 3. i hate no-endings season finale. makes me think of series alot.

that's the reason why i cant watch drama series. if you know me, im a dvd/ tv addict. call me alcohol anoynomous-- im more of a TV addict. once i start, i cant stop till the end.

i hate sad endings too; makes me feel like i wasted my time watching the show and cry.

oh well, so i woke up and watch tv till 4 pm when i had a tummyache. i think i might die from colon cancer and i wun be surprised. more than half the visits to the doctor is gastro-intestinal related problems. but anyway, i rushed down to the esplanade to see meiting perform only to know that it was cancelled due to the heavy rain.

then, i rushed down to michelle's birthday party only to realised that she was about to cut the cake. bad timing but at least i made it. the food was fantastic, and it was great to see some of the convoc people-- gilbert and my "fiance", xuanming. damn funny but i must say, xuanming is the only one who responded to my appeal for a rich husband a few weeks ago. the funny thing was he said " jayne, i only have 100 dollars in my bank, which means i canbuy 50 packets of chicken rice and u wun go hungry for 50 days.... jayne, will u marry me??"

darn funny but sweet enough. hahaha

we were joking about it the whole night with the company of wine and slips of XO. now i know why people drink xo in winter-- it warms the body. hot stuff. heh.

another funny thing happened was when i was looking for michelle's condo. it was at moulmein rise next to ttsh but the stupid thing was there wasn't any signboards for the condos. so how am i supposed to know which condo is which???

called david and he said it was the condo opposite revival centre church. so i went to ask the security guard at what i thought was the condo.

me: uncle, is this Grand Tower?
SG: *waves off* no no no... there there...
me (on the phone): fangwei, im lost...
fangwei: dont listen to that uncle...
me( spots a couple): excuse me.. where is Grand Tower?
couple: This is Grand Tower!

me ( turns to the security guard) : *silently whispers* WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 19
tired..addicted. 12:18 am

it has been a very long week. too long for my liking. the thought of how to survive this whole week of meetings, homework, presentations, reading and classes really challenged me. i mean i can handle it, but dude, its only week 3.

and i just realised that 4 of my modules are having midterms before break week.

whoopie doodles, jayne.

but anyhow, im glad i survived. i kinda concluded that econ is really NOT my thing. and i shant question myself anymore. just gonna look forward to graduation and med school. was talking to kerchoon over lunch and it kinda struck me that after this semester, i will have completed 20/36 modules of my degree. very proud of myself.

go go go jayne. oh, played CS just now in studio with the BE people. i think i am a free frag. but i improved!!!! i see 2 digits of my score now. and i didnt puke after 15 mins. heh. all jasmine's fault: got me into this computer games thing. reminds me of sec 2 days when i played starcraft every night from 12am to 6am before going to school the next day...

oh well, now back to desperate housewives season 3.........

Wednesday, January 17
a lie for the birthday boy 12:27 am

ok, i know im supposed to be reading law&econs now but i am seriously having a headache now. it has been bothering me since i have no idea when.

have piles of homework to clear, and readings, and presentations.

and it is only week 3.

irony of it all, eh?

anyway, we threw a surprise birthday party for bj on monday night, organised by kenji. rushed down to vernon's house after recording only to realised that bj was on his way too. kenji called and said " i hope bj doesnt see you, dey. if not no more surprise." and i said " me too la, very most i say that im going for a project meeting.."

true enough, while was nearing the gate of vernon's house, a car with bj in it drove by and he saw me. shite. i just had to continue walking and pretend that i didnt see him and walk to someone else's house. Bj came out and said to the rest of the passengers" i really saw jayne, dey" and i had to say " bj? what are u doing here?"

bj: " im here to watch" what a weird excuse to get a birthday boy to another person's house...
me: " im going to my friend's house to do project.. just down the road. whose house is this?" and i bet he was thinking " you dont know who lives here???!"
bj: " oh, vernon. ok then, u take care ah... "

oh what a lie. but at least this dude had i think the 3rd consecutive birthday surprise thingy for the past 3 years and he still doesnt suspect anything. hahhaa LOSERINE. heh (just kidding)

Sunday, January 14
lifetime resolution 6:13 pm

i know that i wasnt supposed to be having a new year resolution. but anyhow, i gonna make one now. for life.

im gonna learn to be happy. very simple.

im gonna stop wishing that i want a happy life and start taking things to my stride. i am gonna start counting my blessings, start giving thanks, start living a happy, single life. dont be mistaken; im not a pro-single-hood person. im a quirkyalone - a noun learned during my jc GP comprehension passage. go google it if u dun know what it is.

im gonna start motivating myself instead of waiting for motivation to come. gonna packup my old baggages and burn them all away. gonna learn from my past and rely on His strength to move forward.

im gonna be happy because He wants me to be.

as i told my kiddos in church, the first step is the hardest. well, im gonna take the first step regardless of how long it takes for me to move on to the second. yes, i will learn to be happy.

that's something to look forward to. :)

oh, i learnt how to park already, without poles, mind you.. :) yay. special thanks to someone who trusted me enough that i wun bang his car. hahaha

Friday, January 12
stuck in studio 2:58 am

in moments like these, i wish i had a car, to drive myself home despite the cold, wee hours of the morning.

i'm in the studio now, just ( and i really hope ) finished editing the first episode of campus beat season 2. had loads of expectations for this production but it didnt live up to it. probably due to the lack of time esp from thursday, i couldnt use the effects from motion that i wanted to.

as much as i want to enjoy this, i was highly dreading it today.

newsflash: in my dreaminess, i just exported the wrong file as my video. freak, have to export it all over again....

nevertheless, i would like to thank 2 people who were sweet enough to buy supper for me at 2.30am.. mr soh and ms ong :) i have maggie goreng and teh peng!

Wednesday, January 10
thank God 11:10 pm

To my family- thanks Dad for ur shoulder for me to cry on; Thanks Mum for worrying and concerning and sorry for causing you a sleepness night; Thanks Kor for never-before concern and support.

To my aunts - thanks for the prayers and time for accompanying me

To my closest girlfriends - meiting, suzi, jasmine, jeannette; and to edmund - thanks for the concern, support and reassurance. really needed it and appreciated it a whole lots.

To God- Thank you for keeping me safe and sound once more.

Friday, January 5
restart. 12:09 am

school has restarted. in 2 days, i had 3 classes and all 3 classes have assignments.

how welcoming.

i'm taking international econs B, technology and world change, economic analysis of law, introductory psychology, management accounting and finishing touch this sem. aka 5.5 modules, 5 exams. loads of reading to be done before class, assignments due almost every week and worse of all: ESSAYS. well, not for all modules. but, again: ESSAYS. a big biggie for me cos jayne can't write essays.

oh well, at least im kinda interested in intro psych and law and international econs after the lessons. the profs are nice, or at least, they'd portray they are. i just hope they are nice with grades too...

ok, what happened today..

met jas, fw and david for lunch and we had free ice cream. i love smu-ocbc card. i didnt bother to activate my debit card yet i receive free ice cream for flashing an unactivate card. this rocks. then shah was damn nice: he bought many slices of cakes for us from the patissier. lovely expensive, heavenly, sinful, melts-in-your-mouth cake delights. im gonna upload the pics later. all the flavours bursting in your mouth with every bite.. gosh! im so gonna gain weight but WHO CARES?! u shld just go get some... and dont forget to get me some.

did filming for a campus tv episode at the mind cafe. and strategica (a cca) was having this $8 deal thing there too. saw chin wan and he told me that he was in the exco. i laughed. i disbelieved. but was true. but it is cool to have a friend there to steal some lagsana from him when u are hungry....anyway, the place is small despite having 2 levels. we were fighting with the waitresses for space, and noise from people playing games, stares from on-lookers from the public when we were filming at the entrance. but it was fun. one down, one more shooting to go on monday before the editing nightmare begins...

Tuesday, January 2
the new year... 12:32 am

happy new year peeps! :)

ok, it's not exactly true that im all-excited for the new year. i hate new years. it means i need to get used writing 2007 instead of 2006 for all the dates. and the new routine of a hectic life begins. we have to go through hot weathers in june/august again.

but at least, it will be a fresh start for me: time to throw away the old baggages of last year. and this year, no more new year's resolution for me. i tend not to stick to my resolutions. just gonna do my best this year and see where He will take me.

have so many things to say about the past year, but i'll just stop here. just very thankful for every thing good and bad, small and big, lessons and blessings that has ever happened last year. thankful that im still alive and sane.

about her
    jayne, 21
    smu econs
    needs a reboot in her life.
    needs to eat and exercise more.
    waiting on Him

your shout outs

her juke box
    just click the play button to listen

    Backstreet boys - how did i fall in love with you

    tribal jam - remind me

    justin timberlake - my love

    delta goodrem - be strong

    bethany joy lenz - let me fall

    sean paul - give it up (step up OST)

    neyo - so sick

    jojo - little too late

    corrine bailey rae - like a star

her friends